Let’s start with these two questions:
How did I meet my husband?
I met him through a video conference at work, he used to work for the Home Office (Visa and Immigration in the UK), I used to work for UK Visa. We became friends ever since, he came visiting me in Jakarta, and that’s how it started. Honestly, I once said in my head before I met him: “luckily my boyfriend is not British”, having to deal with many applicants with British husbands or boyfriends who got rejections when they applied for UK visa, made me think that it was such a pain in the a*s. I think I got my karma, but that turned out to be a good one though. Lol.
Did I deliberately look for a foreigner to be married with?
Nope, race never really bothered me when it came to my exes, and it never entered my mind when my (to be) husband came around. Going hunting for foreigners just wasn't a thing for me. God then sent me the best partner in my life: he is a Briton (read: my husband). I honestly never thought I would marry a caucasian.
...
Living in a big city, Jakarta, brings the issue of a society that judges and stereotypes you based on what they see and want, even if they don’t know you, they will still judge you no matter what. Yep, that’s the society we live in! No matter how many times you tried to prove them wrong, you will always find those people who still judge you. Because they are being themself: a terrible human being. As the proverb says “Let the dogs bark, the caravan moves on”.
It’s funny when I hear people say that “oh you know, Indonesian women who get married to ‘bule’ or caucasian, it’s because they see them as their ATM machines”, “You know, they’re looking for big ‘appendages’...”, “You know, bule’s type...”, “Bule loves Indonesian women who look like *pembantu...”. You know what? YOU KNOW NOTHING *JON SNOW! Lol. I feel sorry for their narrow little mind. That also shows how small their social circle and how limited their social life are.
*pembantu means maid in bahasa Indonesia.
How did I meet my husband?
I met him through a video conference at work, he used to work for the Home Office (Visa and Immigration in the UK), I used to work for UK Visa. We became friends ever since, he came visiting me in Jakarta, and that’s how it started. Honestly, I once said in my head before I met him: “luckily my boyfriend is not British”, having to deal with many applicants with British husbands or boyfriends who got rejections when they applied for UK visa, made me think that it was such a pain in the a*s. I think I got my karma, but that turned out to be a good one though. Lol.
Did I deliberately look for a foreigner to be married with?
Nope, race never really bothered me when it came to my exes, and it never entered my mind when my (to be) husband came around. Going hunting for foreigners just wasn't a thing for me. God then sent me the best partner in my life: he is a Briton (read: my husband). I honestly never thought I would marry a caucasian.
...
Living in a big city, Jakarta, brings the issue of a society that judges and stereotypes you based on what they see and want, even if they don’t know you, they will still judge you no matter what. Yep, that’s the society we live in! No matter how many times you tried to prove them wrong, you will always find those people who still judge you. Because they are being themself: a terrible human being. As the proverb says “Let the dogs bark, the caravan moves on”.
It’s funny when I hear people say that “oh you know, Indonesian women who get married to ‘bule’ or caucasian, it’s because they see them as their ATM machines”, “You know, they’re looking for big ‘appendages’...”, “You know, bule’s type...”, “Bule loves Indonesian women who look like *pembantu...”. You know what? YOU KNOW NOTHING *JON SNOW! Lol. I feel sorry for their narrow little mind. That also shows how small their social circle and how limited their social life are.
*pembantu means maid in bahasa Indonesia.
*Jon Snow is a character in the TV series, Game of Thrones.
I remember when I took an online taxi. The driver was very polite and nice to me. He tried to make conversation with me. Having to pick me up from Jl. Medan Merdeka Selatan (where I work), he started making the ice-breaking by giving me compliments, “Oh, so you work at that Embassy? Your English must be really good. So it’s easy for you to get a visa?” etcetera, etcetera. You know what, I get that kind of question SO MUCH. Either those questions, or the “Are you applying for a visa?” one. He then asked me whether I’m married or not. He asked me why my Husband didn’t pick me up. Before you think that why he was so impolite by asking me so many personal questions, I will stop you there, because that’s actually part of Indonesian culture (not all of us do that to strangers though, I’m Indonesian, but I don’t do that). Many Indonesians try to be nice by making conversation, but sometimes the questions they give you are indeed too personal. Long story short, when I mentioned that my husband is British, he was a bit suprised. He said because I look different than most of Indonesian who got married to foreigners. He added that normally ‘bule’ is dating ugly women from Indonesia. What!? Stereotype!
That online taxi driver then said, he had these mixed cultural couple as his passangers last time, an Indonesian woman with her Italian husband, the guy was so handsome, but that woman was so ugly, he said “she speaks a terrible Indo-English, and I’m sorry, even if she’s naked or if I’m drunk, I still don’t want to be with her...”. O-M-G, that’s so cruel. But then I also can’t blame him, since that’s his opinon. I replied “Well, we don’t know, maybe she has a sincere heart”.
He also asked me what’s the difference between Indonesian men and bule men. My answer was “They are all just human being, some are good, some are bad, just like us Indonesians. For me personally, I don’t date the race, it’s their personality...”, and so many other questions I received during my one and a half hour trip to get home in Jakarta's crazy traffic. I was thirsty for sure later. Ha!
You know it’s a stereotype. I told him many of my friends who got married to foreigners are also pretty girls, and they are well-educated. It depends on which strata of society they are living in. For some people, it’s essential to have a foreign partner that can communicate well with them, having a deep conversation about life, sharing stories about everything, brain storming about current issues, etc. I believe you need to find someone that is on the same level as you, speaks good English even if her/his mother tongue is not English, and has broad knowledge as well.
I don’t deny that some Indonesian women are bule hunters; they will do anything just to be with bule. I saw many women even ‘sell’ their body in the pub / cafe / club and are specificaly targetting the foreigners, or if the bule are good looking, maybe they don’t mind to give them a free service. Some of them are looking for bule(s) to have a better life. Some are social climbers. Some even proud to be with bule, just because they might see them as something ‘special’. They're the kind of women that made us look worse in front of the world really. They're the ones that cheapen our image and continue the stereotype being gold diggers.
There are many expats who are suprised when they move to Indonesia; they are treated like VIP, they become noticable, or they suddenly feel like they are good looking, even for the not good looking ones. Money talks, since they earn way more than the average salary in Indonesia many of them act like they are superior, and they think they can get and ‘use’ any Indonesian woman they want. Err... *thumb down for all of them*
But hey, if you notice, or if you are lucky enough to have a good social circle which is surrounded by positive people in a positive environment, you will see that many Indonesian women got married to bules and their intentions are good. They come from a good family, are well-educated, and aren't one of those prostitutes or bule hunters that shamelessly see foreigners as superiors, or even their ATM machines.
On the other side, my Husband said that back in the UK, people also make a judgment over the people who have relations with Asian women. Some suggest they're probably the ones that couldn’t get a woman in the UK, decided to move to South East Asia, and look for women to be married with. This is especially true for Thailand (because Indonesia isn’t as popular as Thailand in the UK), then they take them back home. That’s how it’s called Thai Bride, they are married to a Thai Bride.
Stereotyping could be anywhere, but it’s our choice to show the world that they can find good things from South East Asian people too, especially as an Indonesian, I want to show the world that many Indonesian women are not those bule hunters and we have our dignity. It’s everyone's choice to think with a narrow mindset, judging people without trying to know them first. Talking without thinking whether they would probably hurt someone’s feeling or even worse, those who say something to intentionally offend people, just to make themselves feel better. Tsk tsk tsk. Poor them!
No need to stoop on their level, and always remember that you can’t change people, but you can stay happy! x
I remember when I took an online taxi. The driver was very polite and nice to me. He tried to make conversation with me. Having to pick me up from Jl. Medan Merdeka Selatan (where I work), he started making the ice-breaking by giving me compliments, “Oh, so you work at that Embassy? Your English must be really good. So it’s easy for you to get a visa?” etcetera, etcetera. You know what, I get that kind of question SO MUCH. Either those questions, or the “Are you applying for a visa?” one. He then asked me whether I’m married or not. He asked me why my Husband didn’t pick me up. Before you think that why he was so impolite by asking me so many personal questions, I will stop you there, because that’s actually part of Indonesian culture (not all of us do that to strangers though, I’m Indonesian, but I don’t do that). Many Indonesians try to be nice by making conversation, but sometimes the questions they give you are indeed too personal. Long story short, when I mentioned that my husband is British, he was a bit suprised. He said because I look different than most of Indonesian who got married to foreigners. He added that normally ‘bule’ is dating ugly women from Indonesia. What!? Stereotype!
That online taxi driver then said, he had these mixed cultural couple as his passangers last time, an Indonesian woman with her Italian husband, the guy was so handsome, but that woman was so ugly, he said “she speaks a terrible Indo-English, and I’m sorry, even if she’s naked or if I’m drunk, I still don’t want to be with her...”. O-M-G, that’s so cruel. But then I also can’t blame him, since that’s his opinon. I replied “Well, we don’t know, maybe she has a sincere heart”.
He also asked me what’s the difference between Indonesian men and bule men. My answer was “They are all just human being, some are good, some are bad, just like us Indonesians. For me personally, I don’t date the race, it’s their personality...”, and so many other questions I received during my one and a half hour trip to get home in Jakarta's crazy traffic. I was thirsty for sure later. Ha!
You know it’s a stereotype. I told him many of my friends who got married to foreigners are also pretty girls, and they are well-educated. It depends on which strata of society they are living in. For some people, it’s essential to have a foreign partner that can communicate well with them, having a deep conversation about life, sharing stories about everything, brain storming about current issues, etc. I believe you need to find someone that is on the same level as you, speaks good English even if her/his mother tongue is not English, and has broad knowledge as well.
I don’t deny that some Indonesian women are bule hunters; they will do anything just to be with bule. I saw many women even ‘sell’ their body in the pub / cafe / club and are specificaly targetting the foreigners, or if the bule are good looking, maybe they don’t mind to give them a free service. Some of them are looking for bule(s) to have a better life. Some are social climbers. Some even proud to be with bule, just because they might see them as something ‘special’. They're the kind of women that made us look worse in front of the world really. They're the ones that cheapen our image and continue the stereotype being gold diggers.
There are many expats who are suprised when they move to Indonesia; they are treated like VIP, they become noticable, or they suddenly feel like they are good looking, even for the not good looking ones. Money talks, since they earn way more than the average salary in Indonesia many of them act like they are superior, and they think they can get and ‘use’ any Indonesian woman they want. Err... *thumb down for all of them*
But hey, if you notice, or if you are lucky enough to have a good social circle which is surrounded by positive people in a positive environment, you will see that many Indonesian women got married to bules and their intentions are good. They come from a good family, are well-educated, and aren't one of those prostitutes or bule hunters that shamelessly see foreigners as superiors, or even their ATM machines.
On the other side, my Husband said that back in the UK, people also make a judgment over the people who have relations with Asian women. Some suggest they're probably the ones that couldn’t get a woman in the UK, decided to move to South East Asia, and look for women to be married with. This is especially true for Thailand (because Indonesia isn’t as popular as Thailand in the UK), then they take them back home. That’s how it’s called Thai Bride, they are married to a Thai Bride.
Stereotyping could be anywhere, but it’s our choice to show the world that they can find good things from South East Asian people too, especially as an Indonesian, I want to show the world that many Indonesian women are not those bule hunters and we have our dignity. It’s everyone's choice to think with a narrow mindset, judging people without trying to know them first. Talking without thinking whether they would probably hurt someone’s feeling or even worse, those who say something to intentionally offend people, just to make themselves feel better. Tsk tsk tsk. Poor them!
No need to stoop on their level, and always remember that you can’t change people, but you can stay happy! x
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Judul: “Pemikiran-Pemikiran Mommy Bear: Pemburu Bule dan Mempelai Wanita Thai”
Mari kita mulai dengan dua pertanyaan ini:
Bagaimana saya bertemu suami saya?
Saya bertemu dengannya melalui konferensi video di tempat kerja, dia dulu bekerja untuk Home Office (Visa dan Imigrasi di Inggris), saya dulu bekerja untuk Visa Inggris. Kami menjadi teman sejak itu, dia datang mengunjungi saya di Jakarta, dan begitulah awalnya. Jujur, saya pernah berkata di kepala saya sebelum saya bertemu dengannya: “untungnya pacar saya bukan orang Inggris”, karena harus berurusan dengan banyak applikan dengan suami atau pacar Inggris yang mendapat penolakan ketika mereka mengajukan visa UK, membuat saya berpikir bahwa itu semacam sakit di bok*ng. Saya pikir saya mendapatkan karma saya, tetapi sesuatu yang bagus. Hahaha.
Apakah saya sengaja mencari orang asing untuk menikah?
Tidak, ras tidak pernah menjadi patokan saya menyangkut mantan-mantan saya, dan itu tidak pernah terpikirkan oleh saya ketika (calon) suami saya hadir. Berburu orang asing tidak menjadi suatu hal bagi saya. Kemudian Tuhan mengirimkan saya pasangan terbaik dalam hidup saya: dia adalah orang Inggris (baca: suami saya). Jujur saya tidak pernah berpikir saya akan menikah dengan Kaukasia.
...
Tinggal di kota besar, Jakarta, membawa masalah masyarakat yang menghakimi dan menyamaratakan kamu berdasarkan apa yang mereka lihat dan inginkan, bahkan jika mereka tidak mengenal kamu, mereka akan tetap menghakimi kamu apa pun yang terjadi. Ya, itulah masyarakat tempat kita tinggal! Tidak peduli berapa kali kamu mencoba membuktikan kesalahan mereka, kamu akan selalu menemukan orang-orang yang masih menghakimi kamu. Karena mereka menjadi diri mereka sendiri: manusia yang tidak baik. Seperti pepatah mengatakan "Biarkan anjing menggonggong, kafilah berlalu".
Sangat lucu ketika saya mendengar orang mengatakan bahwa “oh kamu tahu kan, wanita Indonesia yang menikah dengan bule, itu karena mereka melihatnya sebagai mesin ATM mereka”, “Kamu tahu, mereka mencari ‘barang’ besar...", "Kamu tahu, tipe bule ...", "Bule menyukai wanita Indonesia yang seperti pembantu...". Kamu tahu apa? KAMU TIDAK TAHU APA-APA JON SNOW! Haha. Saya merasa kasihan dengan pikiran kecil mereka yang sempit. Itu juga menunjukkan betapa kecilnya lingkaran sosial mereka dan betapa terbatasnya kehidupan sosial mereka.
*Jon Snow adalah nama karakter di serial TV,, Game of Thrones.
Saya ingat ketika saya naik taksi online. Sopir itu sangat sopan dan ramah padaku. Dia mencoba untuk bercakap-cakap dengan saya. Setelah menjemput saya dari Jl. Medan Merdeka Selatan (tempat saya bekerja), ia mulai membuat pemecah kebekuan dengan memberi saya pujian, “Oh, jadi kamu bekerja di Kedutaan Besar itu? Bahasa Inggris kamu pasti sangat bagus. Pasti kamu gampang mendapatkan visa ya? "Dan sebagainya, dan sebagainya. Kamu tahu, saya mendapatkan pertanyaan semacam itu BEGITU BANYAK. Entah pertanyaan-pertanyaan itu, atau "Apakah kamu sedang mengajukan permohonan visa?" Dia kemudian bertanya apakah saya sudah menikah atau belum. Dia bertanya mengapa suami saya tidak menjemput saya. Sebelum kamu berpikir bahwa mengapa ia begitu tidak sopan dengan mengajukan begitu banyak pertanyaan pribadi kepada saya, saya akan menghentikan kamu di sana, karena itu sebenarnya bagian dari budaya Indonesia (tidak semua dari kami melakukan itu kepada orang asing, saya orang Indonesia, tetapi saya tidak melakukan itu). Banyak orang Indonesia mencoba bersikap baik dengan bercakap-cakap, tetapi terkadang pertanyaan yang mereka berikan kepada kamu memang terlalu pribadi. Singkat cerita, ketika saya menyebutkan bahwa suami saya orang Inggris, ia agak terkejut. Dia mengatakan karena saya terlihat berbeda dari kebanyakan orang Indonesia yang menikah dengan orang asing. Dia menambahkan bahwa biasanya 'bule' berkencan dengan wanita jelek dari Indonesia. Apa!? Stereotipe!
Sopir taksi online itu kemudian berkata, dia memiliki penumpang pasangan budaya campuran terakhir kali, seorang wanita Indonesia dengan suami Italia-nya, pria itu sangat tampan, tetapi wanita itu sangat jelek, dia berkata "dia berbicara bahasa Indonesia-Inggris yang buruk, dan saya minta maaf, bahkan jika dia telanjang atau jika saya mabuk sekalipun, saya masih tidak ingin bersamanya... ". Ya Tuhan, itu kejam sekali. Tapi kemudian saya juga tidak bisa menyalahkannya, karena itu pendapatnya. Saya menjawab, “Kita tidak tahu, mungkin dia memiliki hati yang tulus”.
Dia juga bertanya kepada saya apa perbedaan antara pria Indonesia dan pria bule. Jawaban saya adalah “Mereka semua hanya manusia biasa, ada yang baik, ada yang buruk, sama seperti kita orang Indonesia. Bagi saya pribadi, saya tidak berkencan dengan rasnya, ini tentang kepribadian mereka... ", dan banyak pertanyaan lain yang saya terima selama satu setengah jam perjalanan saya untuk pulang dalam kemacetan gila di Jakarta. Aku jadi haus karenanya. Ha!
Kamu tahu itu stereotipe. Saya mengatakan kepadanya bahwa banyak teman saya yang menikah dengan orang asing juga gadis-gadis cantik, dan mereka berpendidikan baik. Itu tergantung pada strata masyarakat tempat mereka tinggal. Bagi sebagian orang, sangat penting untuk memiliki pasangan asing yang dapat berkomunikasi dengan baik dengan mereka, memiliki percakapan yang mendalam tentang kehidupan, berbagi cerita tentang segala sesuatu, beradu otak tentang masalah saat ini, dll. Saya percaya kamu perlu menemukan seseorang yang setingkat dengan kamu, cakap dalam berbahasa Inggris meskipun bahasa Inggris bukan bahasa ibunya, dan memiliki pengetahuan yang luas juga.
Saya tidak menyangkal bahwa beberapa wanita Indonesia adalah pemburu bule atau bule hunter; mereka akan melakukan apa saja hanya dengan bule. Saya melihat banyak wanita bahkan 'menjual' tubuh mereka di pub / kafe / klub dan secara khusus menargetkan orang asing, atau jika bule tersebut ganteng, mungkin mereka tidak keberatan untuk memberikan layanan gratis kepada mereka. Beberapa dari mereka mencari bule untuk memiliki kehidupan yang lebih baik. Mereka adalah pemanjat sosial. Beberapa bahkan bangga apabila memiliki bule, hanya karena mereka mungkin melihat mereka sebagai sesuatu yang 'istimewa'. Mereka adalah tipe wanita yang membuat kita terlihat lebih buruk dihadapan dunia. Merekalah yang memurnikan citra kita dan melanjutkan stereotipe sebagai ‘penggali emas’.
Ada banyak ekspatriat yang terkejut ketika mereka pindah ke Indonesia; mereka diperlakukan seperti VIP, mereka menjadi terkenal, atau mereka tiba-tiba merasa seperti mereka tampan, bahkan untuk yang tidak tampan. Uang yang berbicara, karena mereka menghasilkan lebih dari gaji rata-rata di Indonesia, banyak dari mereka bertindak seperti mereka lebih unggul, dan mereka pikir mereka bisa mendapatkan dan ‘menggunakan' wanita Indonesia yang mereka inginkan. Err... *jempol ke bawah untuk mereka semua*
Tetapi, hei, jika kamu perhatikan, atau jika kamu cukup beruntung memiliki lingkaran sosial yang baik yang dikelilingi oleh orang-orang positif di lingkungan yang positif, kamu akan melihat bahwa banyak wanita Indonesia menikah dengan bule dan niat mereka baik. Mereka berasal dari keluarga yang baik, berpendidikan tinggi, dan bukan salah satu dari prostitusi atau pemburu bule yang tanpa malu-malu melihat orang asing sebagai kalangan atas, atau bahkan mesin ATM mereka.
Di sisi lain, Suamiku mengatakan bahwa di Inggris, orang-orang juga menilai orang-orang yang memiliki hubungan dengan wanita Asia. Beberapa orang berfikir mereka yang mungkin tidak bisa mendapatkan wanita di Inggris, memutuskan untuk pindah ke Asia Tenggara, dan mencari wanita untuk menikah. Ini terutama berlaku untuk Thailand (karena Indonesia tidak sepopuler Thailand di Inggris), maka mereka membawanya pulang. Begitulah yang disebut Mempelai Wanita Thailand, mereka menikah dengan Mempelai Wanita Thailand atau Thai Bride.
Stereotyping bisa ada di mana saja, tetapi pilihan kita untuk menunjukkan kepada dunia bahwa mereka dapat menemukan hal-hal baik dari orang-orang Asia Tenggara juga, terutama sebagai orang Indonesia, saya ingin menunjukkan kepada dunia bahwa banyak wanita Indonesia bukan ‘pemburu bule’ dan kami memiliki martabat. Memang pilihan setiap orang untuk berpikir dengan pola pikir yang sempit, menilai orang tanpa mencoba mengenal mereka terlebih dahulu. Berbicara tanpa berpikir apakah mereka mungkin akan melukai perasaan seseorang atau lebih buruk lagi, mereka yang mengatakan sesuatu dengan sengaja menyinggung orang lain, hanya untuk membuat diri mereka merasa lebih baik. Ckckck. Kasihan mereka!
Tidak perlu membungkuk ke level mereka, dan selalu ingat bahwa kamu tidak dapat mengubah orang, tetapi kamu bisa tetap bahagia! x
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